you are teething
and so am i
in ways i can’t begin to explain to you
except to say
my learning curve
runs cyclical
to every lesson
you keep teaching me
about life
about love
about beauty
in simple things
that i never realized
could hold so much fascination
so much perfection
with every kiss
hug
or smile
that makes new
the day
the life
the year
of my rebirth.
i asked you not to
i begged you
in the memory of my own demise
in the soul
in the heart
i asked you to stop
but you keep on
keeping on
in ways i can’t
but you won’t listen
hear
or care
so it sits next to me
staring up at me
testament
testimonial
to who we are
and what we’ve become
and every time i look at it
it breaks my heart
kills my soul
and does damage
to every fiber of my being
i asked you not to do
the things you do
to stop
to give up
to go home
to be someone else
to something else
other then me
because nothing is worth
what we’ve been through
not life
not love
not us
but the words keep falling down
pouring from my mouth
like hemlock from a glass
or cyanide in pill form
and there is nothing
will be nothing
but the forever after
of a two people
coasting on fumes
exiting stage right
every time something falls apart
every time life gets to tough
doesn’t that tell you who we are
doesn’t that speak to some part of you
you’ve never seen
doesn’t it move you
to change
to fix
to overcome
to make new
all the things we should of done years ago
doesn’t it do anything at all
even if it’s just incremental screaming
quiet suffering
heartbroken failure
even if it’s just talking for hours
till we remember who we were
or forget what we’ve done
but it doesn’t:
doesn’t change you
doesn’t move you
doesn’t make you see
and this is where we are
this
is who we’ve become
so i’m asking you
i’m begging you
in the memory of my own demise
in the soul
in the heart
to stop
please
just stop.
in the middle of tickle torture
wrestling
and having fun
he grabs my face
reaches for my forehead
and points to my scar
rubbing it with his little hands
as if to make it disappear
and no longer exist
i tell him it’s been there forever
that it can’t be erased
that it’s a permanent booboo
he sits
stares
rubs
and thinks
and then leans in
kissing it
making everything
all better
all gone
all right
in his world
and in mine.
beatles: day in the life
listening to a day in the life by the beatles.
today the november air is cold
and the leaves on the ground
crunch under my feet
and blow across the sidewalk
as gray skies
suggest fading weather
and the memory of mistakes i’ve made
come back to me
one after the other
as i walk alone
with hands in pocket
scarf wrapped around my neck
like a noose
asking for final say so
before i jump
head first
into the unknown.
at night
before he goes to sleep
he stares at me
holding my face
touching it
kissing me
and smiling
and as i cradle him
and gently set him in his crib
he watches me
to make sure i’m still there
before his eyes close
his day ends
and night time heralds him on
to small slumber
and perfect dreams
that could never be measured
by the beauty of ones soul
or the gentle solace
of a child
before bed time.
driving through ann arbor in the fall
colors
leaves
everything changing
getting colder
and the huron river swells
and moves
with the lay of the land
cutting it’s own path
out of the ground
final resting place
to be decided later
and i watch as autumn
screams of beauty
a slow death
that explodes
with windows of color
like nothing i’ve ever seen before
because every year is different
just like every life is
every leaf is
every soul is
and as i pass by the bridge
where we once walked
stood
and talked of love
with winter jackets on
and corduroy dispositions
so sacred
so perfect
they were unmatched
unrivaled
unforgiven
much like fall bleeds out
bleeds in
and gives everything back to the earth
before it says
goodbye
one last time.
i sat in the car with you for a long time
it was winter
things were cold
we could see the air
the way sunlight would reflect
off of windows
snow
and other cars
i smiled
you laughed
we talked
about poets
writers
music
i wanted you so badly
wanted to kiss you
hold you
tell you who i was
and why i am
the way i am
and as windows fogged up
you wrote one word on the inside glass
“why?”
why now
why with you
why?
i swallowed pride
thoughts
life
and leaned in
with subtle persuasion
kissed you on the cheek
told you i would always love you
and said goodbye
snow crunching under my feet
as i lit a cigarette
and pulled my collar up
around my neck.
