suicide cookies at three in the morning
i started baking about 3 years ago
when death showed up
when living wasn’t important to me anymore
three years ago
i sat at my dining room table
pills for pain
for depression
for surgery
all this and a failing marriage
a personal life that looked like a road map to schizophrenia
and death
suddenly looking so very appealing
throw in job loss
sterility
and the escalation of more then a few drinks
you have yourself a beautiful a winner
or maybe it’s: winter.
whatever it was
i was alone
counting pills at the kitchen table
midnight
no one to save me
just me
and the empty silence of my life
gone belly up
and in those deafening moments
i decided to bake cookies
because there’s only so much writing
sitting
and watching
one person can do
before hell opens up it’s doors
and swallows you whole
so it was suicide chocolate chip
and each time i baked them
i would pray
i would loose myself in the moment
between 3 cups of flour
two sticks of butter
preferably salted
baking soda
salt
and chips
but it was always at night
all alone
dying
hurting
pain
and me
sometimes miles davis would show up with “kinda blue”
sometimes i could hear ryan adams
singing “dear chicago”
but mostly it was razor blade suitcases
with the bottom falling out
and my kitchenAid
spinning out of control
needless to say it was alot of cookies
it still is
it takes years to be good at baking
years to be a good cook
or at least respectable
and to this day
i find solace
in those moments
when i measure off my ingredients
and look for new ways to make chocolate chip suicide cookies
taste like i know
what the hell i’m doing.
recipe for suicide cookies:
two sticks of salted butter(room temp)
two eggs
3/4 cup of brown sugar(dark brown taste better)
3/4 cup of sugar
half a teaspoon of vanilla
mix butter, eggs and vanilla
mix brown sugar, and white sugar together
add in sugars slowly
dry ingredients in separate bowl
three cups of flour
teaspoon of baking soda
half a teaspoon of salt
add in flour mixture slowly to wet ingreidents
chocolate chips: three kinds; nestle morsels(semi sweet), mini morsels(semi sweet), Ghirardelli Chocolate Baking Chips 60% Cacao Bittersweet Chocolate—-measurement is discretionary, depends how you like your cookies.
oven at 360 degrees
each batch on a sheet takes about 10 minutes, varies based on your oven. don’t walk away till you know your oven.
i recommend parchment paper or silpad. i also recommend an ice cream scooper or melon scooper with a release mechanism for the perfect size cookies.
if you like your cookies flatter and chewier add less flour.
