it doesn’t matter
it just doesn’t

i started writing when i was fourteen
and i’ll keep writing
till i shuffle off this immortal coil

i will always come back to my words
to my understanding of what means the most

to love
to soul
to the brevity of speech

and i don’t care if it’s one line at a time
or a bucket full of water
that pours from my mouth

giving way
to adjectives
adverbs
and the occasional

prepositional phrase

only visible
only viewable
through life
through living

and the insatiable
unattainable assets
of knowledge

that comes from my heart
from my head

like the slow burn
of summertime ash
or a cold rain in the fall

that leaves nothing behind

except memories of forever
that are forgotten

in an instant.

tonight
i undid all my stiches
all my lies

stripped my life of friends
family
killers
and the killed

tonight i picked at scabs
old wounds
and pain

pain on all levels

and there are no substitutions
for being alone
for being open
and looking straight into the abyss

without hesitation
or the wings
to fly to safety.

nothing else matters by metallica

so much of what i do everyday is for other people
other thoughts
other ideas

and i give
i give till it hurts
till it’s over
till it’s wiped out

but tonight
is just too much
and i am alone

and nothing ever changes that feeling

of giving
and giving
and eventually being so tapped out

that nothing
really matters
not even

your own words.

in the kitchen
moving around
you are energy

unleashed
unbridled
and perfect

you open the cupboards
stacking pots
pans

laying them out
moving them around

i watch in amazement
as there seems to be order
in amongst the chaos

oh to be young
to be perfect
to be squishable
huggable
adorable

as i envy
every moment you have
and continually take in
my time
well spent

with you.

at night when it’s quiet
i sit at the kitchen table
with my glass of whiskey

thinking about so many things

failure
love
it’s resolve

life
changes
everything

and the later it gets
the more i fall down
become sad

and try desperately
to forget
everything i know

and the floor is cold
and the windows don’t hold heat
and the days collect

pile up
make waste
of so many memories

but this is darkness
this is late night rambling

reaching
stretching
finding life

underneath layers
and layers

of sadness
regret
and minimal currency

without coin
cash
or dollar amount

this is night time
when it’s quiet
and i sit
at the kitchen table

drinking my whiskey.

i remember the day it rained
and we drove to the dunes

sat in the car
watching the storm come in
over lake michigan

i don’t know who moved first

to hold hands
to walk in the rain
to make out under an umbrella

to let go
to dance
laugh
kiss

more times then we could count
or ever keep track of

i just remember your face
and letting the water drip

as our bodies gave way to each other
and made memories
that were lifetimes ago.

but these are them

the moments
the minutes
the seconds

these are the ones i’m talking about
telling you about

listen to me
please
just listen

and hold on
and take
and keep
and remember

always remember

that even though it’s not perfect
it’s not pretty
it’s not anything at all
but what you make it

even though it is
all these things
and so much more

depending on time
energy
consumption

love
no love
heart
no heart

it is simply banging on drums
loud noises
pots and pans

strategic movements
and small intervals
that make up the bigger picture

the laugh lines
the loss of hair
the memories

boxed
unboxed
framed
unframed

it just doesn’t matter
let it come
let it sit with you

and take it in
take it all in
before they take it from you

and the only thing you have to show
is grief
worry
and some ridiculous mantra you learned when you were twenty

and beautiful
and perfect
and celebrated

for being twenty
for being beautiful
for being perfect

but for never being
smart
wise
and understated

as in love
as in you
as in silence

as in forever

all things not withstanding
judgement day
life choices

and the knowledge that
you finally let it all go
you finally gave in

smiled
and embraced the mess
we call

life.

there is silence tonight
in the words
in the movement
in the message

i have nothing
and everything

irony falls
thick
and heavy

into my lap
onto the floor
pushing up like flowers in the springtime

or memories
put upon your grave

and i am not prone
to letting things go
to listening long after i forgot
or to loving
before the music stops

but just the same
i am alright
i am okay

i am

even after midnight
even after this week
even after

being here

and understanding
there is nothing left to give

except myself
my soul
my body

and the meager connections
i hold to this world
with light weight nostalgia

for all things
under one god
one roof
one thought process

that keeps turning over in my head
again
and again

until the only thing i hear
is my heart
the keyboard
and the memories
of an old soul
trying desperately

to stay young.

standing in my kitchen
drinking whiskey
straight up
thoughts moving faster then i can keep track

as i rewind
replay
and think over the last 48 hours of my own mortality

as i shuffle paperwork
remove band-aids on my back that form an “x”
and place ointment over the missing skin

small sections
no love loss
marks
divots

hollowed out reminders

and the occasional painful wince
that comes from cancers search
and my uneasy feeling
of loosing what little i have

standing in my kitchen
thinking mostly about my son
about his life

about how all bets are off
all windows
once closed
now seem open

as doors
slam shut in my face
and i worry about things
i wouldn’t think twice of

a year ago

standing in my kitchen
understanding death for the first time
in ways i never knew of

as i mournfully drink my whiskey
swallow whole my pain
and wait for phone calls

that will tell me
if i’m dying
dead

or safe.