i read four stories
we lay in bed
side by side

it’s a toddler bed
my feet and legs hang off the end

he asks questions
like if the bear will find his home
or why the cow is typing on a typewriter

sometimes i answer
other times i keep reading

we talk
we laugh
he rubs his eyes
i turn off the lights

he asks me to stay
we talk more
i whisper

he tells me about riding bikes
and how mom gave him a “time out”

i smile
i listen
i rub his back

there is silence

“i love you dad”

more silence

he sleeps

good night sweet prince.

and i know this is my fault
my problem
my issue
my slow decay

depending on what day
what time
what life
i know all of this

as i look across at you
tears in your eyes
hatred in your heart

and listen as you tell me

what an asshole i am
what a let down i have become

over time
over life
over this
that was our marriage

i swallow pride
swallow love
and look down
into my coffee cup

asking if there’s any cream in the fridge
knowing full well
i don’t drink coffee

with cream.

ignorance
over bliss

bliss over soul
soul over love

love
over time

time
always disappearing

never staying.

we were in china
long flight
re routed
multiple times

roach motel
tired
30 hours being awake

luggage lost
language barrier
failed attempts at smiling
and conveying compassion

Beijing blanketed in enough fog
there was no way
we were leaving tonight

i slept in my clothes
as i peeled back my single bed
one layer at a time
checking for roaches
or any other creature
that might prefer the warmth of my bed

as opposed to the stained carpet
the 1960′s decor
and the fluorescent lighting
that flickered at random
with no particular pattern in mind

what i wouldn’t give for a shot of vodka
a cigarette
or a warm shower
that doesn’t require me to keep my mouth closed
from dysentery

or my tooth brush rinsed with bottled water
and a random tube of tooth paste
that reads in a language

i know so very little about.

i have been given to flight
to failure
to death in small doses

to answers
i already know

to the drink
i have not had
but will

to the words
i have not written
but rattle around in my head
waiting to fall out

to empty

contents under pressure
still thinking
still seeing

and this is how i push weight

like paper
like simple ink
like love

without predisposition
or heaven
without hell

still formulated
still there
just not fully thought out
exposed
or made to order

no telephone numbers
no half truths
no dreams
just silhouettes

bandied
tied
and kissed

until forever after
falls into fairytales
cloud’s delusions

and you and i
sitting together
holding hands
and remembering

what we once had.

i was never good at being there
never good at holding up
or staying still

and now with regret in my hands
i let go
jump off the cliff
without looking
as usual

no thought to damages done
no thought to consequence
or mistakes made

and for all of it
i look down
see the ground
getting closer

and wonder
if there is still time
for one last

cigarette.

she shatters on the ground
like a china doll
held the wrong way

persistence of time
aging
living

so much of it false
that it marks the soul
red with contempt

flowered
like a rose

dying
bleeding out
and yet never feeling

a damn thing.

and here i am
thoughts abound
christmas again
somehow

in my heart
in my head
i hear whispers of you

under snowflake skies
at midnight

with white puffy love
powdered ground
and angels caroling down the street

as i pull my peacoat collar tight around my neck
light another cigarette
and watch as perfect clouds of cool wonder expire
into the distance of old man winters

holiday cheer.

I.
you died on a tuesday
day after memorial day
in north country

where you took your family in the summer time
where you lived out your days

in solace
in peace
in quiet

you died in hospice
without waking
without dreaming
without leaving your bed

just silence
just death
just you

and the empty room

at 9:30 in the morning
near lake michigan

II.
and i was grateful to see you
one last time

with my son
all of two years old

saying hello
saying goodbye
saying “love you great grandpa”

in his high overtoned
over pitched
beautiful way

as i kissed you on the forehead
made the sign of the cross
and told you i loved you

and i knew you were leaving
i knew it was almost over
as your eyes fluttered

and your face looked ready
looked done
looked on

to other worlds
other lifetimes
with grandma waiting
and friends calling to you
with open arms

you were 94
it was time to go
time to leave

time to start again

goodbye old soul
goodbye grandpa
goodbye

and thank you.

I.
i sit sideways
drinking coffee

writing
scribbling
making sounds

thinking

and you know
that’s it
words
that’s all i want

and the solace that comes with it.

II.
and i am not amazing
not a great writer
not even a good one

but i push
i try

i keep coming up for air
taking it in
going back down

until the words
match the meanings

and the messages speaks out
stands up
give testament
or testimonial

to what was said
what is heard
and what is given

everyday
all day

until it means something
to someone
other then me
other then my life

and then the words can rest
and so can i.