August 15, 2012

• suicide cookies at three in the morning

  i started baking about 3 years ago
  when death showed up
  when living wasn’t important to me anymore

  three years ago
  i sat at my dining room table
  pills for pain
  for depression
  for surgery

  all this and a failing marriage
  a personal life that looked like a road map to schizophrenia
  and death
  suddenly looking so very appealing

  throw in job loss
  sterility
  and the escalation of more then a few drinks
  you have yourself a beautiful a winner
  or maybe it’s: winter.

  whatever it was
  i was alone
  counting pills at the kitchen table

  midnight
  no one to save me
  just me
  and the empty silence of my life
  gone belly up

  and in those deafening moments
  i decided to bake cookies

  because there’s only so much writing
  sitting
  and watching
  one person can do

  before hell opens up it’s doors
  and swallows you whole

  so it was suicide chocolate chip
  and each time i baked them
  i would pray
  i would loose myself in the moment

  between 3 cups of flour
  two sticks of butter
  preferably salted
  baking soda
  salt
  and chips

  but it was always at night
  all alone
  dying
  hurting
  pain
  and me

  sometimes miles davis would show up with “kinda blue”
  sometimes i could hear ryan adams
  singing “dear chicago”

  but mostly it was razor blade suitcases
  with the bottom falling out
  and my kitchenAid
  spinning out of control

  needless to say it was alot of cookies
  it still is
  it takes years to be good at baking
  years to be a good cook
  or at least respectable

  and to this day
  i find solace
  in those moments
  when i measure off my ingredients

  and look for new ways to make chocolate chip suicide cookies
  taste like i know
  what the hell i’m doing.

  recipe for suicide cookies:

  two sticks of salted butter(room temp)
  two eggs
  3/4 cup of brown sugar(dark brown taste better)
  3/4 cup of sugar
  half a teaspoon of vanilla

  mix butter, eggs and vanilla
  mix brown sugar, and white sugar together
  add in sugars slowly

  dry ingredients in separate bowl
  three cups of flour
  teaspoon of baking soda
  half a teaspoon of salt

  add in flour mixture slowly to wet ingreidents

  chocolate chips: three kinds; nestle morsels(semi sweet), mini morsels(semi sweet), Ghirardelli Chocolate Baking Chips 60% Cacao Bittersweet Chocolate—-measurement is discretionary, depends how you like your cookies.

  oven at 360 degrees
  each batch on a sheet takes about 10 minutes, varies based on your oven. don’t walk away till you know your oven.

  i recommend parchment paper or silpad. i also recommend an ice cream scooper or melon scooper with a release mechanism for the perfect size cookies.

  if you like your cookies flatter and chewier add less flour.

  • 11:33 pm
  • 10 Comments